Posted in friends, my life on May 11, 2009|
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I cooked dinner for Patty on Saturday night. She seemed lonely when she stopped by on Thursday evening so I invited her to dinner. I found inspiration for dinner on the Food Network on Saturday morning while I was trying to motivate myself to start cleaning house. I decided to make chicken cacciatore, a salad with asparagus, red onion and pecorino and a pear and ricotta cheese galette. I had to call K for wine advice because there were too many selections in the wine cellar and I’ve been in doghouse before for using a bottle that was being saved for a special occasion.
The evening started out great. We had a little nosh over a glass of wine before dinner while discussing the events of the day. During dinner I noticed that almost every conversation topic involved, Stephen, her late husband. I was getting a little frustrated. I started changing the conversation to a new topic every few minutes. Patty managed to bring Stephen into every topic. I was bothered by the fact that I was listening to stories about Stephen that I had heard several times. After a while it turned into torture. I tried to serve desert after dinner but she wanted to wait a while. I listened to more stories about Stephen. I finally served desert about an hour after dinner. Patty left around eleven. I was actually relieved when she left.
On Sunday I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I felt tortured by Patty’s relentless inclusion of Stephen in every topic of conversation. I realize that Stephen has only been dead for six months and that she is still grieving but it was overkill. Was I being a horrible friend for wishing we could talk about something else besides Stephen? I wondered if I was not being understanding of the difficult time she is having without her husband. I’ve been around a lot people who have lost life partners and loved ones but I don’t recall every conversation being about the person they lost. Patty is seeing a therapist, attending a bereavement group and attending art therapy. Why was she constantly talking about Stephen if she has three mechanisms to help her overcome her loss? Perhaps I just wasn’t being patient with her. After all, there is no set schedule for overcoming a loss. I still could not understand why Patty dwelled on Stephen so much. Perhaps she doesn’t realize that she constantly brings Stephen up in conversation. How do you tell a grieving friend that enough is enough without ruining the friendship? I came to the conclusion that I did my part by listening to Patty talk about Stephen. I’m hoping it did some good. I’ll avoid having dinner alone with her. I’ll make sure there is a third or fourth person involved the next time we have dinner.
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