Archive for the ‘dating’ Category

Disappointment Drive 22

I never started the car on this drive.

A guy pings me while I’m online. He fits my desired demographic, meaning he’s around my age along with being HWP. We chat back and forth. The conversation flowed. He’s only been out for short time and wants to get to know a guy before the big bang. He asks where I live. He’s just across the creek, a few blocks north of the mall. He wants to get together to see if we click. I remark that based on my experience most newly out guys usually shy away from poz guys. I can see he looks at my profile again. He responds by telling me he didn’t realize I’m a poz guy. He wants to stay DDF and doesn’t want to risk getting infected. He withdraws his invitation to meet. I wanted to ask if English was a second language for him as my profile clearly states I’m HIV positive undetectable. I also wanted to give him a lecture on what undetectable means. Instead, I followed Shelly O’s advice and took the high road. I wish him good luck with his quest and told him to play safe. The Internet doesn’t need another bitchy gay man doling out snarky comments.

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Potential Mates

Morgan is a guy I met at the gym. He’s late sixties. He’s been in an open relationship for fifteen years with Kenny, who is a few years younger than Morgan. It’s been interesting hanging out with these guys and their friends. Many of their friends are also in open relationships. Morgan and Kenny openly discuss their encounters with other men. Both are free to do as they please. There appears to be no jealousy or conflicts caused by their hook ups.

Morgan has decided it’s his mission in life to introduce me to as many potential mates as possible. He’s invited me to happy hours and parties. I have yet to meet a guy I’d like to see on a regular basis.

The last potential mate sounded promising at first. There were a lot of common interests. He was a few years younger than me. He was a nice looking man who was in shape. The only issue was he’s suffering financially. I don’t know why he’s in financial distress, but he can’t afford a $900 a month apartment and has to move to a rented room in a house in the suburbs. I declined to meet the man.

I may have passed on a nice guy but I don’t want support a man. I don’t want to have to always pick up the tab. I’ve saved for my retirement, I didn’t save for a partner’s retirement. My ex and I maintained separate retirement accounts. For most of our relationship, we were financial equals. We didn’t need each other’s financial resources. We equally shared the cost of supporting the household. The thought of having a financially strapped boyfriend is not appealing. I don’t want to be taken care of, and I don’t want to take care of a partner. I may miss out on some good guys, but one has to question their character if they don’t have their financial house in order.

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Disappointment Drive 21

I had a coffee date yesterday afternoon. It turned out to be a disappointment drive but that’s partially my fault. I knew the guy was smoker but he told me he was cutting down and trying to quit. The first thing he asked after settling down at an outdoor table was if he could smoke. So much for cutting down. He was an interesting man but he needs to learn how to sell himself. In the first few minutes, I found out he had two heart attacks, has two ex-wives and a twenty-something son. He was engaging in conversation and interesting but he talked mostly about himself for the first hour, which didn’t win him any points. He had a fascinating career but now lives off two pension checks, one from the state and one from the federal government. He admitted he didn’t have a savings to fall back on. He left the door open for a second meeting for lunch or dinner but there’s no spark. He could be an interesting friend.

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Party Of Three

I had plans to meet Mike at Trade last night. It was underwear night which can be quite entertaining. Neither one of us were going to check our clothes. Mike cancelled via text just as I arrived at the bar. Normally, I don’t like going to bars by myself as I tend to just observe the other patrons and rarely ever meet anyone. Last night was different. I met a nice guy just one year younger than me. He’s lived on three continents and has traveled extensively. He was educated and well spoken. The conversation flowed so easily and he was easy on the eyes. Then he introduced me to his husband. Another equally as handsome man. Another couple in an open relationship who play together, and play apart. Another married couple not wearing wedding rings. Subtle hints were dropped. It was getting late so I excused myself and headed home.

I seem to be a magnet for guys in open relationships. Many of the men I meet around my age who are partnered have open relationships. I’m not opposed to an open relationship. Every couple has to mutually agree on the terms and condition of their relationship. I’m not sure that getting involved with a couple is a path I want to journey down. It could be fun. Ideally, I’d like to date a guy and see where that leads. What do you think?

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1,000 Miles Away

I ran into the man from Disappoinmentt Drive 18 in the Target parking lot near my house. He stopped and asked about my car’s color and the blacked out grill. I told him it was a new color for the 2018 model year while the grill was an added cost option. I didn’t recognize him at first. Then I saw his teeth. I reminded him we met before he went to jail. We chatted for about a half hour. It was like watching a car accident happen. I could not stop myself from asking questions and he seemed happy to supply answers.

The man has not had a drink for nine months. That’s a good thing because he was arrested nine times for drunk driving. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail but spent 105 days confined. Time was added to his sentence for being involved in two fights while incarcerated. He lost his job when he went to jail so he’s now working on small construction projects and driving a tow truck. He said he’d give me a free tow if I ever needed one. Thankfully, my car has roadside service included in the warranty. He hasn’t had his teeth fixed but he did get his teenage son braces. It was nice to know he put his child’s needs ahead of his. He’s got a girlfriend because dating guys is too much trouble and guys are too picky. I do like guys with all their teeth. You can call me picky. He still has sex with men but often has MMF and MMMF encounters with his girlfriend. His girlfriend procures the men. He was arrested in February for possession with intent to distribute. The story about finding meth and crack in a gym bag in the parking lot of an arcade was convoluted. I just nodded my head while listening to the story.

I dodged a huge bullet on this one. I can’t help but wonder how a person’s life can go so far off the rails. It makes getting ghosted seem insignificant. It’s also odd how this man would tell me anything and didn’t seem to have any shame about drunk driving arrests, going to jail and getting arrested for possession.

Our lives could not be more different. It’s eye opening to meet a person whose life choices have taken them in a direction that seems like a 1,000 miles from my life. It makes me thankful for the life I have.

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Soldering On

I was really disappointed about being stood up. It was tough facing rejection again especially when he initially expressed interest in me. I thought we had great conversations. He came across as educated and sincere. I can accept his decision not to want to have further contact with me. What I don’t understand is why he ghosted me. I disclosed my status before we met because I didn’t want him to have expectations of a possible physical encounter and then be disappointed. Yet he didn’t extend the same courtesy to me. A simple text advising he no longer wanted meet would have been sufficient.

Two friends advised me not to disclose my status. They suggested a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. If he didn’t bother to ask, I didn’t need to tell him. I was not comfortable with this approach as I feel it’s my duty as a poz guy to let my partners know my status. I’m not up the current legal standing of not disclosing but sometimes ethics trump the law. If the situation was reversed, I would want to know before I began an intimate relationship with a man.

I may be disappointed and sad but I feel good about my decision. I don’t blame him for not proceeding, but I do fault him for not communicating his decision. I would not have tried to convince him to change his mind but I would have urged him to initiate a discussion with his future partners.

I wonder if he would have asked. He’s been having sex with men for the last few years but was incredibly naïve about PrEP, safe sex practices and HIV transmission. I know it can be a difficult conversation. I am beginning to wonder if guys think it’s easier to take a risk than inquire about a partner’s HIV status. Not every poz guy is on medication and not every poz guy on medication is undetectable. Medication routines have to be followed.

I believe stereotypes factor in at times. He looks healthy, dresses well and drives a nice car. How could he be poz? I’ve had guys remark they didn’t think someone like me would be poz. It’s as if HIV is limited to certain demographics I don’t fall into. How crazy it that?

I’ll eventually get over my disappointment. I’ll soldier on. I’m sure this will not be the last time my HIV status will deter a man from pursuing a relationship with me. The CDC recently acknowledging acceptance of U=U (undetectable = untransmittable). This acceptance along with Prep and safe sex practices may reduce the fear of relationships with HIV positive undetectable people. My last relationship ended after twenty years. My partner exited the relationship as negative. We were doing something right.

What do you think? Would you want to know before beginning a sexual relationship with a partner? Do you initiate the discussion? Or, do you just hope the person is not positive because they look healthy? Are you aware of safe sex practices and do you practice them? Your thoughts are welcome.

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Disappointment Drive 20

I met a man at a local performing arts center last week. I struck up a conversation with him in the lobby of one of the theaters after attending a lecture. He was a handsome man who I thought was in md-fifties. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans and a pair of Vans. His jeans accentuated his glutes making it hard not to sneak looks. He was a nice guy who made conversation easy. He was waiting for a female friend who I assumed to be his girlfriend. I wasn’t getting a gay vibe at all. He excused himself when he received a text from his son who needed to be picked up. I bid him adieu and headed to the parking garage. As I approached my car the man reappeared. He handed me piece of paper with his name and phone number. He asked me to call or text if I was interested. His friend drove up and he hopped in her car and left. I was stunned. I got in my car only to sit there is disbelief. Did this this really happen to me? It had been ages since a guy gave me his phone number.

I waited a day before I texted him. The texting continued over the next several days. The texts increasingly showed he was interested in getting to know me and spend time together. I finally called him on Wednesday evening. We talked for almost two hours. Again the conversation flowed. Arrangements were made to meet at my house on Saturday night and then head out for dinner. After I hung up I panicked. I didn’t meet him online so he wasn’t able to read a profile which disclosed my HIV status. I had to come out to him as a poz guy.

I called him on Thursday night. During our ninety minute conversation I disclosed my status. It came as a shock to him. He didn’t have a lot of experience with guys so it was the last thing he expected me to tell him. I explained undetectable status, prep and safe sex practices. I asked him to do his research before making a decision about proceeding.

I never heard from him again. I texted him on Friday night but he didn’t respond. I was cock blocked by HIV again. I was disappointed. It felt good to know a man was interested in me. I sensed a connection with this man. I thought it had the possibility of turning into more than a one time encounter. I didn’t think he would be my next partner but he was certainly boyfriend material. Or so I thought.

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