Ninety-Seven Unhappy Years

Two years ago, my father purchased a handgun for the purpose of killing himself when he decided he no longer wanted to live.  The gun was discovered while cleaning out his house.  The gun is now in a safe at my nephew’s house as firearms are not allowed in his assisted living facility.  My father wants to die but is too weak to pull the trigger even if he managed to obtain another gun and mustered the coordination it takes to shoot oneself in the head.  He should have killed himself when he bought the gun.  The gun was just one of many discoveries made during 8 days spent in Missouri. 

Another discovery was $20,000 in cash found in the house.  My father thought he had only hidden $5k.  Money was found in places he forgot about.  Also, $7,500 was found in my mother’s purses which had been sitting in her closet since her death 2015.

A third discovery was my father doesn’t know how to talk to me.  Or he doesn’t care to talk to me.  When I visited, he would only speak to me if I asked open ended questions.  He was content sitting in his chair watching Fox News at a loud volume.  Every visit I had to ask him to turn down the volume.  He would continue to watch Fox as if I wasn’t there.  He didn’t ask anything about my retirement, my new car or the 12-hour drive. 

A most disturbing revelation came to light in a conversation with a social worker.  My father admitted he has never been happy one day in his life.  I asked why he was smiling in his wedding photos.  He was smiling because that’s what ones does for photos.  Nothing I accomplished in my life while under his control brought him happiness; report cards with all top marks, graduating high school with honors or lettering in academics.  Ninety-seven years of unhappiness.  How sad is that?

Fined and Punished

My taxes were a brutal experience this year.  As expected, my accountant had a list of items needing clarification.  With the issues resolved, a large tax bill was presented.  The accountant filed the taxes electronically.  The money due was deducted from my bank account the next day.  The IRS was not happy waiting for their money even though deductions were made from my monthly payments.  I was fined.  Now, I get the distinct pleasure of making quarterly payments.  I thought quarterly tax payments would end when I stopped working but I was wrong.  I know I should be thankful for the income upon which I’m taxed.  And I am.  Still, I find it aggravating that I must give the IRS the money during the year instead of holding it in a high-yield financial instrument until filing time.

Off To Rehab

My sister-in-law predicted she would find my father on the floor dead one day.  Her vision almost came true.  My brother and sister-in-law found my father unconscious on the kitchen floor.  He had been on the floor for three days after falling.  He broke seven ribs.  Thirteen other ribs show fractures in various stages of healing, so he’s had other falls but hasn’t told anyone.  He spent a few days in the hospital before being moved to a rehab center.  After rehab he will either be sent to a long-term care facility or an assisted living center.  My father will never return to his house. 

This is the life changing event which will probably be the catalyst for his descension into death.  He doesn’t want to spend his last days in a facility.  He hasn’t been told he will not return home.  I suspect once he lands in a facility, he will lose his desire to live, which, will hasten his decline.  Time will tell.

I Never Thought……

As a young man, I never thought I’d live past 30.

I never thought I’d have a platinum wedding band sitting unworn in a drawer.

I never thought my life would end as a single man.

I never thought I’d have to cut people out of my life.

I never thought I’d still have friends I made in my 20s.

I never thought I’d know six people who have published books.

I never thought I’d be mentioned in the acknowledgements of two of them.

I never thought I’d acquire a taste for Scotch.

I never thought I’d develop a love for New Mexico.

I never thought I’d have cancer four times.

I never thought I’d be mesmerized by Operas.

I never thought I’d like 1950’s American jazz musicians.

I never thought I’d survive an epidemic and a pandemic.

I never thought there would be gay marriage.

I never thought I’d have a friend who has never worked while also having a friend who has five jobs.

I never thought I’d have planned annual giving.

I never thought I’d live in a city with a large, unhoused population.

I never thought I’d live in a nation suffering from extreme political division.

I never thought I’d forgive my father.

The Second Time

Last Saturday, a lithium battery caught fire in the basement of this house which has been under construction for three years.  The two-alarm fire burned through to the first floor before being extinguished. The entire 14,000 sq. ft. interior was damaged by smoke and will need to be torn out.  Sadly, the house was six months from completion.  This is the second house fire the neighborhood caused by a lithium battery.

Not Happily Married?

Is there anything worse for a single gay than walking into a New Year’s Eve party in a penthouse apartment with a sweeping view of downtown only to find out the sea of handsome men are all couples?  I left before midnight to avoid an awkward moment at midnight when all the couples would be kissing.  As I was getting my coat, I was cornered in the primary suite by man I had talked to earlier in the evening. He hugged me firmly and longer than expected given we had just met, and he was married.  The hug was followed by a very intimate kiss.  Married, but perhaps, not happily.  Happy fucking new year.  That was the end of 2023.  The slate gets wiped clean for 24.

Clipping Coupons

About a week ago, I ran into Mrs. H in the produce section of the grocery store.  Mrs. H and her husband have lived a few doors away ever since I moved into the neighborhood.  Now both retired, Mrs. H was a stay-at-home mom while her husband was a bond trader for a large financial institution. Mrs. H proceed to tell me about her family’s ten-day trip to Tuscany for American Thanksgiving.  I heard about the villa she rented which slept twelve, the delicious food, the day trips to various towns and museums visited. She went on and on while holding a stack of coupons in her hand. I thought it was odd that a woman who could afford a trip like this was clipping coupons.  Does saving a few cents here and there change her life?  Apparently, it helps her afford vacations.

Have you done any traveling?

Since retiring, I’ve lost count of the number of people who have asked me if I’ve done any traveling.  It’s as if the benchmark of a successful retirement is taking many trips.  I was well traveled before I retired.  I’m not in a rush to jump on a plane. 

One of the Best

It was a meal thrown together a few days before Thanksgiving, but it turned out to be one of best dinners of my life. Just the basics with one dessert along with good liquor.  Only four people, which allowed for hours of conversations covering intimate events in our lives.  The bond between us was strengthened.  I feel these people will be in my life until I die.

Scenes From New Mexico

Northern New Mexico

Downtown Santa Fe alley view

Downtown Santa Fe

Chimayo

View from a friend’s portal

Santa Fe suburban sprawl

Santa Fe sunset